Sometimes I think LJ is how I present that I live my life.
Other times it's all about how I want to live my life.
I've really been focusing on actually being myself, for better & worse, during this break.
So anyway, the girl I came up to Toronto to visit, her friend gets in a car accident.
Now I don't know her friend at all. And I don't even know her beyond LJ and some IM chats, but I obviously think she's cool if I'm gonna drive several says just to hangout for a few hours.
So I was pretty concerned about her friend and how she was dealing with it, but after I heard her say he was in a coma, I just couldn't get to sleep.
And I needed to sleep.
I had just drove up with Harrison from Bethesda, MD to Niagara, ON and I needed to rest.
But I couldn't get to sleep.
So then I start thinking if there was anything I could do about this.
Here she's got all this shit to worry about.
And there really isn't anything I can do to help.
But obviously she's not just this really cool LJ friend.
I care about her more than that.
And she's suffering.
So I think about going to see her at the hospital. But I think that's just about the most selfish and presumptuous thing I could do.
And I try to sleep. Telling myself I'll do something if I wake up.
A few minutes later, completely driven that I'm doing what my heart is telling me to do, I get up and shower, hostel-style.
And I go online and pick up the only clues I have to where she would be.
Now, I'm going to shorten the rest of story and say this:
If you're going to find someone who's been admitted to a hospital, have their last name and call around with that before you go out.
I learned this lesson by taking more than a few semi-silent cab rides to a couple of hospitals.
And talking to an emergency room nurse.
And it became pretty clear how unrealistic it was to find them.
So I call her. With no clear reason. Not thinking she'll be there.
And she picks up.
I tell her I couldn't sleep, so I tried to find her, but I didn't know if it was the right thing to do.
At least I try to tell her all that in my crazy sleepless state.
She says he's fine, not a coma, but couldn't have any visitors.
She says she's going to bed now and will call me in the morning.
I tell her again that she's got bigger things to worry about.
And she says she'll call me tomorrow before we leave.
And I tell her that she doesn't need to.
And we do that a few more times.
Then she says she'll call me at nine.
I really just want her to take care of things much more than I want to see her, you know?
I am almost petrified that my behavior here is unhealthy and obsessive and a whole mess of bad stuff. And I just haven't learned when to stop caring.
I don't know, it made more sense when he was in a coma.