Nate Bunnyfield (natebunnyfield) wrote,
Nate Bunnyfield

I don't know how I can really explain what I've been doing for the last few hours.

Sometimes I think LJ is how I present that I live my life.
Other times it's all about how I want to live my life.

I've really been focusing on actually being myself, for better & worse, during this break.

So anyway, the girl I came up to Toronto to visit, her friend gets in a car accident.
Now I don't know her friend at all. And I don't even know her beyond LJ and some IM chats, but I obviously think she's cool if I'm gonna drive several says just to hangout for a few hours.

So I was pretty concerned about her friend and how she was dealing with it, but after I heard her say he was in a coma, I just couldn't get to sleep.

And I needed to sleep.
I had just drove up with Harrison from Bethesda, MD to Niagara, ON and I needed to rest.

But I couldn't get to sleep.
So then I start thinking if there was anything I could do about this.

Here she's got all this shit to worry about.
And there really isn't anything I can do to help.

But obviously she's not just this really cool LJ friend.
I care about her more than that.
And she's suffering.

So I think about going to see her at the hospital. But I think that's just about the most selfish and presumptuous thing I could do.

And I try to sleep. Telling myself I'll do something if I wake up.

A few minutes later, completely driven that I'm doing what my heart is telling me to do, I get up and shower, hostel-style.
And I go online and pick up the only clues I have to where she would be.

Now, I'm going to shorten the rest of story and say this:

If you're going to find someone who's been admitted to a hospital, have their last name and call around with that before you go out.

I learned this lesson by taking more than a few semi-silent cab rides to a couple of hospitals.
And talking to an emergency room nurse.

And it became pretty clear how unrealistic it was to find them.

So I call her. With no clear reason. Not thinking she'll be there.
And she picks up.

I tell her I couldn't sleep, so I tried to find her, but I didn't know if it was the right thing to do.
At least I try to tell her all that in my crazy sleepless state.

She says he's fine, not a coma, but couldn't have any visitors.
She says she's going to bed now and will call me in the morning.

I tell her again that she's got bigger things to worry about.
And she says she'll call me tomorrow before we leave.
And I tell her that she doesn't need to.

And we do that a few more times.

Then she says she'll call me at nine.

I really just want her to take care of things much more than I want to see her, you know?

I am almost petrified that my behavior here is unhealthy and obsessive and a whole mess of bad stuff. And I just haven't learned when to stop caring.

I don't know, it made more sense when he was in a coma.
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