May 26th, 2002

x

i'm going back home this weekend
for two weeks

home is weird cause everyone doesn't talk to each other usually


everyone just does their own thing
i guess


sometimes watching different television sets in different rooms
but the same show


it's scary


yeah, my room isn't room any more
the street is just weird

i hate my neighbors
but i hate most strangers that i'm supposed to be neighborly too


god, i don't fit in here
and it's really gotten to me

the only people laughing at my jokes now are chris
that should be singular, not plural

actually, strangers at parties laugh at my jokes
but then they leave

and i'm alone
crying

wondering what i'm supposed to do
with my life


i have all this musical stuff now
and i can make music with it

and tonight for the first time ever
i worked all the courage in the world
(which took several hours)
and hit a button
that made noises
that i spent a few hours crafting to be exactly how i wanted it to be



and it sounded like shit


and tim started telling me 'it was sacrilege'
(because it was a joke dance remix of smile, the unfinished beach boys album that he successfully spent months and finish by himself)
but i don't care about that

what sucked was that i had always that i had that potential
that my attention to detail
and knowledge of electronics & audio
and tenacity for getting the right thing together
would payoff

i've been living in a dream world

i don't like my reality
i never have

lauren said she liked it
she said her and nicole danced to it

which is incredible because as becca put it
"was that the thing that played for 2 seconds?"

yes, it was
but then i couldn't do it any more
and i hit stop
and i played around remixing live (with a reverb unit) whatever was playing off the cd
or what mark would scream on the mic

and people liked that
especially when i did it to snoop's soloing
and that was good

but i'm still crying


i'm still crying

still crying that the one thing i want to do in my lifetime isn't happening


tonight, my soul was crushed
to put it incredibly melodramatically

and it's really hard to explain that to lauren when she asks what's up?


i need to not worry
i need to treat myself
and not with drugs

but changing my environment
and habits
and the people i see all day


oh god, my life's not hard
why do i make it.

fuck fuck fuckfucfkcfukcfucfkcfuckfcfuckc


i can't do anything, ever.

(no subject)

I'm getting encouragement from left and right today.

It's really weird. I guess I'll keep going with it.


http://www.organizine.com

Once, Adam Mathes spent a lot of his time making a web publishing system better than blogger.

He succeeded.

It was for everyone, for free and it was really in-demand and good.

And then a day or something after it went 'live', he brought it down.

He couldn't take the anxiety of running it, I always thought.


But maybe he could have just not worried about it.

Because even the best and most popular sites have issues sometimes.




I'm just too damn sensitive. You know?


OMG!@ Athena called and reminded me that we're going to the Monterrey Bay Aquarium tomorrow!!

I've never been to Monterrey. I'm not even quite sure if I spell it right.
It's like the Mississippi... anyway, my head hurts more now than it has ever hurt before, so I'm going to bed and feel better when I wake up.