February 8th, 2001

Breaking Up Became Easier To Do

I broke up with Lauren last night.

I couldn't justify the suffering that was our long-distance relationship.

I'm still in love with her. And when she says she's still in love with me, I believe her.

But we both are desperate for change, she also said last night.

And I really miss being her boyfriend already.

But I think it's the right thing to do to.

Well, I've gotta get to work, but I'll be trying to figure out if it's a good thing to go fly over to California to see her next week.

Breaking Up, cont.

I read “the way i feel when i call him my boyfriend and then realize he isn't, i taste wasabi in the back of my throat.” from her livejournal and my heart feels different. To use words: healthier, stronger and better.

But I hope we take care of each other now. As friends who are so deeply in love with each other do.

(We went out for nine months. And we've been good friends for maybe five years. <sigh> I need to be with God now, more than ever.)

I'm Going Back To Cali.

I've decided to go and see her next week for five days.

And I'm still not entirely sure if it's the best thing to do.

But like everything, I'll realize the why after it's over.

Besides, I'd really regret not seeing. She is my closest friend and I need to take this opportunity to see her.

(And we still love each other very much.)

Some Pictures of Me and Her

Well, I got two rolls of pictures back. They're of me & Lauren with our friends and at Christmas dinner with her family. And just seeing her made me call her. And she had just left a few minutes before. And she didn't call me. And I'm kicking myself for not calling sooner. (I just am.)

I'm going to have to get used to this. And it's gonna require many changes of scenery and many new things to replace the old things. I'm going to have to do the "from the inside out" thing. And I do a lot of sighing now too.

It's all very scary and a lot of depressing, hopeless moments. What's happy about breaking up? Nothing. But I would like to get out of here like I never have before. I wanna leave America today. I repeat this to myself while walking through Montgomery Mall. I wanna leave today.

Breaking Up, A Brief Explanation

A short explanation for why we broke up is this:

Circumstance we were in a bad place and needed a way out.

And I have been so thirsty THE ENTIRE DAY.

Trust me. These too things are related as I don't take care of myself when I am that miserable.

Breaking Up, cont. 2

So, I am now going to attempt to explain something publically that could not be more private.

Lauren and I broke up yesterday.

Now there are only two people who this concerns: me and not you.

Breaking up was something I had brought up with her almost everyday for months and months. I knew it was what we both needed. So I set aside my fears and mustered up the strength and did it.

And I've been miserable. But I'm like that a lot. And mostly for my own reasons. Just like you have your issues and flaws, I have mine.

But what is happening now with Lauren and I is still between me, Lauren and God.

So now we have gained some perspective, which is a wonderful thing.

And we have more and new opportunities to take and that is a wonderful thing.

We have to let go and move on. And if we do that, that is also a wonderful thing.

But it's all—still—none of your business.

I hope you understand. (I would say 'We', but I don't want to speak for her on this.)

And do realize this is all coming from a guy who used to shower, shit and post every god damn personal email ver-fuckin'-batim on his website. Whatever, I've gotta get some coffee with Quinn now.